Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...

YOU ASKED FOR IT.

All submissions become the property of HBI and by sending email to Auntie Dote you thereby give your permission for letters and responses (sans identifying information) to be published on the website. No emails will be answered individually.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...



From: Lewis

Date: January 30, 2008 6:05:30 PM EST

 

Dear Auntie Dote…

Hi. I am a 20 yr old male. I am writing you because I have been reading your articles and comments and doing a lot of reflecting and I have some issues with certain things. 


Self-reflection is something we value.

 

I am being objective when I say this so don't get me wrong. This is me in a nut-shell: a social, semi-confident, intelligent, and good-looking guy who doesn't think one-night stands are emotionally healthy and believes that everything can be worked out through calm, rational communication. I am also a huge nerd, being that I read a lot of comic books and novels, play video games, enjoy art and films, think sports are for meat-heads, etc which doesn't help my relations with women.


I don't know why. You sound pretty good to us so far! ;-)

 

I believe women can do anything men can and that Cosmo magazine and everything it represents is trash. My problem is that I am a nice guy by nature, i like to help people with their problems.


Don't confuse the "nice guy" phenomenon with helping people.

 

I like to do things for and with people and share thoughts, feelings, etc. but I am too trusting and get taken advantage of. I am insecure about relationships since I dated an "Abuser" for 3 yrs (first physical relationship) and she cheated, lied and disrespected me every chance she got.


Bum deal. But it could happen to anyone. It's natural to be green in your first relationship.

 

I realized it and ended it but now I am afraid of this happening again. It's hindering me.

 

What can I say but:  don't be afraid. You can't control other people's actions. You can't be sure everyone you love will behave responsibly. Sometimes we all get stuck on the business end of a bad relationship. The thing that should give you HOPE is that YOU ended it.

 

 I believe in people being honest in general but I will believe anything a woman says even if my gut tells me something's wrong.


Well, I can't make you listen to your gut. That's YOUR job. I'm not all that worried about you though, because, basically you can hear what your gut is telling you. Over time you'll learn to trust it. Make it RULE--if something doesn't seem right to you, don't jump to hasty conclusions, but do investigate, hold something back, until your gut and your brain agree. You won't make serious relationship red flags go away by ignoring them.

 

I have dated other women and have either attracted the manipulative, user kind or the desperate, uber-passive kind, or both types in one which is interesting. I want an equal partner not someone who treats me like dirt or a god.


You have the right goals.

 

My question is: How do I wise up and stop being a "Nice Guy" who attracts (and is attracted to) the wrong types without being a total dick and compromising my nature?


Um...um...just don't? There really is no trick to this. I don't have a prescription or a magic bullet.

 

Great job on the site and advice to women. I am curious why this isn't a bigger deal.


We wonder that too. ;-)

 

I know I'm not a member but I would like a real answer from a female perspective.


I can just give you (I hope) a smart perspective. You know what a jackass is. Don't be one. Trust your gut. Stick with your values. And be forgiving of your own mistakes. Live and move on. I can't tell you how to attract the girl of your dreams. But, if you are true to yourself, she'll figure it out. There are smart women out there looking for all the things you're looking for.

 

Plus being male I don't know if I can qualify for the "Heartless Bitch" thing.
                                                                                        Thanks
                                                                                             -Lewis


We have male members. So to speak. ;-) We never discriminate on the basis of gender--just ignorance, immaturity, irresponsibility and stupidity! 

 

-A.D.

 

 


Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2007
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