Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...

YOU ASKED FOR IT.

All submissions become the property of HBI and by sending email to Auntie Dote you thereby give your permission for letters and responses (sans identifying information) to be published on the website. No emails will be answered individually.

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The Auntie Dote for what ails you...


April 8, 2006

From: Brenda
Subject: Dear Auntie Dote

I have a question about whether or not sleeping with a guy on the "first date" or the first night out with him is a bad thing.

I met a guy through friends. We'd been out as a group a couple of times before. The last time, we went out dancing and he and I ended up getting hot and heavy on the dance floor... as it turned out we ended up going back to his place in the morning and having the wildest sex imaginable. I think it was pretty fantastic for him too. He asked for my number, but I have friends saying it's unlikely he will call because I slept with him right away.

The question is, if a woman has sex with a man on the first date, does that mean he won't pursue anything on the relationship side? It seems kind of dumb to me, I mean if you find out you really click sexually and had fun that evening going out, why wouldn't you want to see if there is something more...? A bunch of my guypals say that they won't consider a relationship with someone who slept with them right away... what kind of double-standard is that? Is it the thrill of the chase? I don't want to have to play headgames, but I have people telling me I have to pretend I'm not TOO interested, and play it cool to hook a guy. That just seems fucked up to me....Are there any guys out there that aren't into these kinds of mind games? The way I see it, why spend weeks or months "getting to know" someone, just to find out you aren't compatible in bed at all? (What was it one of the rants said? "I've held bigger bic lighters in my hand").

-Sexy and Confused in the City

Dear Sexy City,

There is no rule about how someone will react to you, based on what you did or did not do on a first date. It all depends on that person. If you are moving fairly quickly into sexual contact, keep in mind that his behavior seems unpredictable precisely because you don't know him very well!

People have different natures. Some people are adventurous and spontaneous. Some hold back and play games. So I think it depends on what type of man you get.

He might be excessively needy, emotionally. In that case, he might end up clinging to you after a fleeting encounter, filling your ear with sad tales of ex-girlfriends, financial problems, etc. (Run! Flee! Batten down the hatches! And stay away from the tequila the next time...)

He might be manipulative and coy. He may want you to show the interest in him...after all, he's the great sex god now, he "knows" you want him, yadda yadda yadda. *Yawn* So, you want this guy for what again, exactly?

He might be starstruck and hopelessly enamored with you. Magnetically drawn. This is rare in general, but happens. If it does, he'll call you. If you feel the same way, then lucky you. Throw caution to the winds.

He might have a rock star's ego and not be interested in you beyond a quick fuck. It is certainly could be flattering if it means nothing more than, he finds you very attractive and the sexual chemistry is good. This might be convenient, if that is what you are after as well, the occasional liason, without having to reorient your social activities and interests. If you want the sex, do it--but don't lapse on latex.

He might be just an ordinary guy who was plain horny that night, and let's face it, ladies, isn't this the most common straight line connecting any two points on a given Saturday night? So, number one, don't fool yourself. It doesn't mean you have to view what happened cynically. It just was it was--a connection you two made at the time. Unless those conditions are met again, I wouldn't expect it to materialize into trips to look at wedding china. The guy with no hidden motives may end up feeling embarrassed the next day about what happened in a moment of passion, or he simply may be uninterested in dating in a committed way. Them's the breaks.

The most important thing in life to ensure maximum pursuit of happiness--notice, I said pursuit of happiness, not happiness itself--is to think more about what YOU want. What he wants and thinks--well, if you really must know, ask him, deduce it from his behavior, or wait and watch it unfold in time. You've got to roll with the punches, but most importantly, call your own shots.

Exploring doesn't always mean finding. There are many, many different types of personalities out there, and unless you really know the person you sleep with, you can't know what to expect ahead of time.

-A.D.


Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2000
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