Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...

YOU ASKED FOR IT.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...


[Dear Auntie Dote...]

(Actually, this came in as a Rant, but we thought it made a better Auntie Dote column.)

It has been my misfortune to have six sisters. I have had a hard time with them. They are mean hateful bitches. My mother when she was alive liked to set up 'court' they would all sit in judgment of me.

Sounds Grimm. *g*

Mother's dead now 15 years but somehow I am still always wrong. These mean heartless bitches got together

Hm, let me just take issue with your continued use of "bitches" as an expletive. You may have noticed, that's not what THIS site is about.

and conspired to keep secrets and see to it that I was not invited to my nieces wedding because of, get this shit, hurt feelings...

So, that's one less wedding present you had to buy. It is up to your niece to decide who comes to her wedding, and if she is that easily influenced, you aren't missing out on much.

These are the same bitches that thought nothing of punching the snot out of me as a kid, yeah that hurt my feelings alright but I am supposed to let that shit go?

We wish you would let the word "bitches" go, at least the way you are using it here. This isn't a site were want to see women "bitched" out as "bitches," as it were.

If I hit anyone back of course I was wrong.

Might I suggest that it's time to get over the hurt feelings of your childhood? You aren't a snot-nosed kid anymore. If you have to excise your sisters to do that, then do so. Be HEARTLESS, in the good sense, take control of your own life.

Here's the deal. Just moved to California and had a niece come to visit well this bitch went nuts on me.

Yah. Enough with the "bitch" bitching already. If family members can't be good house guests in your home, DON'T invite them. Cut your ties if these people do not treat you as a family member should. Quit kvetching (to substitute a word for "bitch"), you're quite the "kvetsch."

She was three hours late at the airport because she missed her flight, I found out during the visit she had a habit of always being chronically late, then she could not 'find' anything, then she had mood swings, NEVER slept the entire visit, kept demanding that I take her places, demanded my car keys would call her Dad fighting whining about how he 'did not love her' then hang up and when he called back would refuse to answer the phone, then had to smoke her cigarettes in the front of my house and when my neighbors drove past would shoot them the bird finger because 'they looked at her', complained about my housekeeping and cooking of course she was the better cook.

So, why are you volunteering to host the offspring of your sisters if they treat you so badly, and their spawn are no better? You can't complain that this is punishment when you keep asking for it.

In essence she drove us nuts, we took to drinking then she called the others in New Orleans and told them that we were alcoholics because we drank so much.

You "took to drinking," to solve your problems? Why am I not surprised that didn't work out...

The bitch never slept I mean never,

kvetch me a river.

and if we woke up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water she would demand and answer as to why we were awake.

It's your home, take control of it.

We could not sleep she made too much noise. She kept having accidents, she broke three wine glasses, two vases, and a napking ring.

Sounds like a careless adolescent who takes you for granted because you let her. She expects to get away with stuff.

she would fall asleep standing up in mid sentence sometimes.

I'm not sure you were being a particularly good guardian, in loco parentis. Or was this child of age? You don't specify. If she's an adult, all the more reason to lay down some rules and expect that they be followed. She can take responsibility for her own actions, or move into her own place. Don't blame her if you let her treat your home like a flophouse.

She left early because I refused to give her my car keys so she could go down to San Francisco and confront her boyfriend in a half way house for spousal abuse for having yet another woman on the side.

Sounds like dysfunctional relationships runs in the family.

Now had I let her do this the others in New Orleans would have blamed me if the bitch had been slapped kicked punched stabbed or seriously killed, but she blamed me for throwing her out.

Is she an adult, or isn't she? Are you in loco parentis, or aren't you? You don't sound too sure. If you DIDN'T WANT this responsibility, you didn't have to take it. Not sure why we should pity you.

Anyway the all took her fucking side on this shit. Because I apparently think I am better than them. When I wrote a letter to one of the bitches trying to explain I 'hurt her fucking feelings' and she hung on to that for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS.

Maybe you all need family counseling. Sounds like a pit of snakes, to be honest. I'm really not joking about the counseling.

When my son got married I paid for the event and the rehearsal dinner that fat bitch and her fucking anorexic daughter were there and they were even in the fucking wedding.

You ooze a disdain for humanity. And a sense of self-worth that comes from the fact that you "paid" for the event. No wonder you're so bitter that people "take advantage," however, you seem to be the one extending your generosity over and over again. If I understand it, you paying for the event doesn't give you the right to invite who YOU want, it was your son's marriage, correct? If you don't want to pay for his chosen guests, don't fund the wedding.

No exclusion. Neither mentioned their fucking feelings and every time I brought the shit up I was told to shut up.

You seem to keep putting yourself in conflict situations. Why not disengage? Spend your money on a vacation for yourself, not some charity for your relatives that is supposed to prove to them what a great person you are.

Anyway went home for Christmas again no mention of their hurt fucking feelings, told to shut up yet the fuck again it's Christmas for Christ's sake.

You can try spending Christmas away for them. Try choosing happiness. Sounds like you can afford it.

Here it is August the little anorexic bitch gets married

You can't expect shows of respect from people toward whom you don't show respect, as this constant name-calling suggests.

and they do not want me to know, nor do they want a gift, so now I am angry,

Right. Because by giving a pricey gift, you could prove you are better than they are, right? Save your money, wish her well when you see her, smile and spare the expletives. You might be amazed if you change YOUR behavior, and they will see that the same old bull doesn't get a rise out of you. Reaction intervention--YOUR reaction, that's the only thing you can control.

it's been a month and get this because I cannot let this go

Apparently. A therapist might help you focus on something more productive.

I AM WRONG. now mind you when the little anorexic bitch was a child she was in my wedding last minute, I wish I could take that back.

What's the point of tit for tat? If you could take that back, what then? Can't you just move on from now, and take a few steps back from these toxic relationships? Boy, would that come as a big surprise. They'd probably miss all that staged confrontation. You are kind of addicted to it.

You see the bitch that came for the visit and started all the shit has been suicidal since I 'THREW" her the fuck out who did I think I was.

If you don't want to be so involved in the negativity, what do you care? Why do you feel responsibility. You have to TEACH people how to treat you. You keep extending the hand and acting shocked when you get bit. You are setting up the pattern that angers you in the end--you give, they take. Also, don't use NOT giving as a bargaining chip. That's the same pattern.

Every time I try to let this shit go, I get even more angry

I really do think anger management classes or a personal therapist could be of use to you. Anger is bad for your health, physically and mentally.

it's been a month and now I have a fucking headache.

Not surprised. So do we, after hearing the word "bitch" so many times hurled as an insult. Who the fuck do you think we are? I mean, where do you get off, coming here and unloading the "bitch" clip on your "frustration" uzi?

Like I said I am left to my own devices,

Don't you have anything else to do than worry about your relatives? To coin a phrase: Get a life.

they do not want to talk to me they do not email me I am poison.

Good riddance, based on your description. Of course, this does cut you off from the source of your confrontation addiction.

I have been told I am a ranting raving bitch and that I am mentally ill,

Maybe they can't deal with your anger, hostility and "generosity." It is an incongruous mix.

however I am not the one threatening suicide. Give me a fucking break.

You can take a "break" from this pattern anytime YOU decide to examine your own part in it, and change your behavior.

Get this my son lost his job because he drove down from Texas to be in this fucking wedding and is now mad at me, at me because I will not support his fat hairy ass financially .

Maybe if you stopped substituting cash for affection, you'd have a chance at establishing relationships based on mutual respect, love, or like, whatever. I think you'd be really surprised by the results. (And what is up with the weight issues? Is everybody in your family either FAT or ANOREXIC?)

What's wrong with this fucking picture?

I'd say it's your big fat fucking checkbook, and your big fat sense of entitlement.

Guess what they back him up wholeheartedly, Jesus then they proclaim me the fucking retard...

You really, really need to stop being engrossed by the minutiae of family conflict.

I still have a fucking headache. shit.

I think you could try virtually any technique--meditation, mindfulness, therapy, yoga, karate, kickboxing. To work off your frustration, become more "you" focussed and quit worrying about and stoking conflict with your relatives. Also, put your checkbook away. Breathe deeply. See? The sky isn't falling. All these people CAN learn to take care of themselves without crying to or blaming you. Don't facilitate patterns of non-self-reliance and dysfunction. Take care of yourself, first. Let the rest take care of themselves. Disengage from conflict. Smile, and simply disengage. I really think the reaction will be fascinating. You might have to subscribe to premium cable, though, to replace all the drama. ;-)

-A.D.


Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2009
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