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Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...

YOU ASKED FOR IT.

All submissions become the property of HBI and by sending email to Auntie Dote you thereby give your permission for letters and responses (sans identifying information) to be published on the website. No emails will be answered individually.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...

Nov 1, 2007

Dear AuntieDote:

I'm a girl and I firmly believe in FEMALE RIGHTS.

You mean Girls' Rights?

I seethe when males call us a tease just because we as females care to take the time to pamper ourselves, dress right and look good. What the hell is wrong with that?

I would agree with you, there's nothing wrong with that. Although "right" and "good" are subjective terms, and I might say "appropriate to the situation" as well as, "as she damn well pleases."

If we dress sloppy , we come off as INVISIBLE.

Actually, a Heartless BItch is rarely invisible, because PRESENCE fills a room more than clothes. (And more importantly, a Heartless Bitch is never INAUDIBLE)

If we dress good and arm ourselves with an air of self confidence,wit and brains, we're teases and bitches.

There are certainly legions of average males out there who target this type of woman sexually, yet feel intimidated by her self-assurance. (See the recent phenomenon of "Mystery," a guy who claims to to turn ordinary men into "Pick Up Artists" with tactics designed to take "beautiful" down a notch.) When rejected, they do tend to call us "bitches" and "teases." That's just a woman's self-determination at work. Law of the jungle. The site is covered with one-liners from women who deal with that everyday.

This has been happening to me quite a lot lately actually.

Enjoy it! (Being a Heartless Bitch.) And really, don't waste too much time on this type of reaction. You have (or should have) better things to do.

There is this guy, whom for some retarded reason, decided to comment on my dressing,

(teehee) were you only lightly marinaded?

and the way I behave.

meaning?

I don't dress like a slut. I don't even care if you believe me but the truth is the truth and its absolute and that is enough for me.

We have no reason not to believe you. But truth isn't "absolute." These kinds of judgments are just that, much of it is in the EYE and mind of the beholder. Of course, you are right to feel that your self-evaluation is what counts most.

Anyway, this fuckwit said that the clothes I wear are mostly "TOO REVEALING" and "IT LOOKS CHEAP".

I gotta tell you; it's a free country. Opinions are out there. Sounds like a fuckwit indeed to be commenting on your appearance. But there's no context here. I mean, did it just come up, did you ask for his opinion, or what happened? If you want my subjective opinion on the OUTFIT (and you seem to) I'll have to know what you wore, and where. Context is everything in dress also-- and I won't endorse wearing thorax-bearing cleavage to a business meeting or thong-flashing waistlines in math class. If what you want is my OPINION. Did you just want comebacks for the fuckwits? The site is full of 'em.

Auntie Dote, hearing him say that, you might think of me as some tottering brainless spineless blonde bimbo who wears little tops to parade my assets.

Um, the truth is, I rarely think of you. And I really haven't formed an opinion. You seem overly concerned about what other people think of you, and you seem quite defensive about the subject of your clothing.

Let me let you in then, he was commenting all THAT about my tank top. TANK TOPS. (and I'm not big on the assets part to begin with).

*YAWN* So you are writing me because of tank tops, and the furor they induce? Surely you can handle this one on your own, no?

How in the world has tank tops become 'too revealing and cheap looking'?!

You seem to want me to rubberstamp your apparel choice. As I said, that's a subjective enterprise and you would have to stop ranting and just be cooly factual, if what you want is a wardrobe consultation. Why does this feel overly GIRLISH all of a sudden? Can we braid our hair and put makeup on each other next?

Just because I have the liberty to speak my mind and come right out with what pleases me and what doesn't, he said I should really reign myself in

(it's "rein" in-- I make that mistake all the time. Horses are reined, royalty reigns. Be master of the language and you'll be mastering idiots right and left in no time.)

and control my urges to curse, as well as my bluntness. I mean, Helloooooooo?!

Hello, indeed. Without context, and who this person is to you (is he a complete stranger? a colleague at work? A boss or a subordinate? A would-be date?) I really can't just say "YOU GO GIRL!" just to make you feel better. If you were all THAT secure about who you are, and how you dress and how you behave in certain situations, you wouldn't be asking me. There is such a thing as appropriate and inappropriate behavior. A Heartless Bitch knows the difference, she isn't about talking dirty to shock or just to prove that she can. She's about using words powerfully.

I mean, I'm not going to rule out that this genius commenting to you IS indeed a fuckwit. I consider it damn likely. But you haven't really given me enough information to form a judgment. Knowing when and on what basis to FORM a judgment is certainly key to a Bitch's fairness and integrity. Those are the kinds of qualities that win you the right kinds of associates, and respect as you move through different social and work situations in life. This shit you are dealing with now will become a memory.

What is with men and intelligent women? It's as if they feel threatened with our presence. More over if we have the looks to boost things up a notch, things are even worse.

Now you're talking. Is this really what's going on here? I think it very well might be, but you mention cursing and tank tops. As I said, to evaluate how intelligent you are, I'd need to hear more about the context.

I can't really go full force commando bitch on this guy because He's a close acquaintance.

Well, you choose your friends and acquaintances, don't you? Why don't you just get into a conversation with him about it, rather than going "full force commando bitch"? A smart bitch listens, and ARGUES, she doesn't just tell people where to go. If you don't engage this guy into a discussion, and just continue to be pissed off about it, I'll have to wonder WHY you keep him in your circle of acquaintances. If he matters even that much, maybe you should engage him on a mental level. Chase him around the intellectual block a few times. See who comes up with the better arguments. He will certainly respect you more if you open your mouth intelligently, and maybe vice versa, if you care about that.

I want to be able to enjoy my life without having to throw insults at him in attempt to defend myself and the female integrity.

Well, let me assure you, you don't have to speak for ALL of us. (I'm not sure --yet-- that you can handle that task.) So just try speaking for YOURSELF. You can always tell him how it makes you FEEL, that he criticizes you for what you wear, and tell him WHY it is unfair and inappropriate to comment on your clothing and your language. That will give him a choice, whether HE wants to remain in YOUR orbit-- or not. You don't have to be rude to spell out to people why they will or will not be tolerated by you. You have to establish a healthy boundary before it can be violated.

I've told him off a couple of times, but now I'm a distance from him.

Ok, again, I don't have the context to know what has really gone on here. Maybe you've reached the status quo, and you just have to be content with that. I recommend that you just view this coldbloodedly, and you see him as a limited person who you aren't really going to miss anyway.

Sad to say, this guy isn't anything special either, he keeps persisting.

What does he want from you? Make sure he understands, in plain, civil English, what you want and don't want in terms of contact from him. If that doesn't work, then hell yes, go fucking full force commando Bitch on him. But do it coolly, because you don't tolerate fools lightly. Visualize putting up a fence between you and him, and just ENJOY being on your side of it.

He even had really RUDE comments about the HANDBAGS i use.

Well, that sounds truly obnoxious. I say STOP hanging out with him, or near him, right? What is the reason you socialize together? You might have to get more into that to solve this problem. You need to change who you hang out with, if it is mutual friends who tolerate this shit or think it's funny. You just need better friends. If your friends agree he's obnoxious, find allies and encourage them to stand up to his shit, also. And you do that by doing it yourself. I mean, don't tolerate it even ONCE. You have to put a STOP to any kind of acceptance of his rude remarks and behavior. There's no half and half, here.

I just need some light on what I should do next. (If i should do anything at all, that is).

Well, passivity doesn't sound like the way to go. Again, I'm missing pieces of your story. You sound young and this sounds like a tale of a circle of friends you hang out, presumably for other good reasons. I wouldn't tolerate razzing behavior, especially if he is branding you as a "bitch" or a "slut" in front of others. It's not good for anybody --including him-- to allow these attitudes to go unchecked. Be as persuasive and clearcut as you can. Believe it or not, some of the most cutting remarks to a man's ego don't need profanity to make them burn. Pour some acid into his ego, but find some appropriate grounds on which to do so. Be SMART, and to the point. I don't know for sure what his weak points are, but you can identify them, and get READY to completely --and I mean completely-- nip this shit in the bud. Turn the tables. Again I recommend you read our site for some one-liners and insight into the kind of male ego that delivers weak-minded bullshit like this. Be like those self-defense moves that aim tactically for a knee or an eyeball. Hit surgically, fast and make it hurt. You don't need nasty language to do it. Take apart his ego like a cheap watch. And do it publicly. THAT should do the trick. If he doesn't retract his tail between his legs where it belongs, I really doubt he'll want to hang out with you --and, voila, problem solved.

A.D.


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