Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...

YOU ASKED FOR IT.

All submissions become the property of HBI and by sending email to Auntie Dote you thereby give your permission for letters and responses (sans identifying information) to be published on the website. No emails will be answered individually.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...


Mar 27, 2006

From: "Chris"
Date: Sun Mar 26, 2006
Subject: AuntieDote - My wake up call!

God, where to start? 

"Dear Auntie Dote" is the standard form of address.

How 'bout 19 years ago when I was suckered into this relationship in the first place! 

It takes a sucker to play a sucker. You should be careful what you are saying about yourself.

Raised by loving protective father,

So it's all daddy's fault...?

conned by handsome "something yummy"

This really turns my stomach. And again, what does this say about you? Were we supposed to forgive you because, at the tender age of 19 (that's a legal adult where I live, hardly a naive teen) you made judgments based on superficial looks? It's really the word "conned" that bothers me here. You keep blaming everyone but yourself for ruining your life.

who quickly got me pregnant(vasectomy obviously a LIE), married me and made my life an emotional nightmare for far too long. 

He lied to you...got you pregnant...and you thought it a great idea to MARRY him? Honey, you signed the paper. You can't wake up from an emotional nightmare if you aren't willing to get out of the bed.

I have a pretty strong personality and have managed to retain my dignity and class,

More like "indignation" and "crass."

The only thing strong here is your denial of personal responsibility. This screams victim, victim, victim. So that is self-centered without self-awareness. You are mistaking this intense self-focus with strength.

as well as most of my mind.  

So far you have portrayed yourself as a mindless, coddled little idiot who bounced around between daddy figures all your life.

The "MIND FUCK" thing worked really well on me though.

It seems like a perfectly ordinary fuck was enough to get you into this mess.

See four, yes four, pathetic attempts at divorcing his losing ass.  

Again...do you realize what kind of a self-indictment this letter is? If you wrote me so I could tell you that, I'm happy to turn on the lights.

Finally I looked at the whole relationship and realised I had absolutely no respect for him, no desire for him, received no mental stimulation from him (he REALLY can't spell, or read for that matter) and and and and.

You didn't marry him for the intellectual stimulation. You aren't the cerebral type. So quit kidding yourself. You ate the whole box of cookies and now you're saying they weren't your flavor. The person you should worry about respecting is yourself. You don't seem to realize--yet--that by cutting down his mental capacity, you are not making yourself out to be any Nobel prize winner.

He would not change!

Forgive me for chuckling through my nose at that. HE would not change...that's a laugh. You spent 20 years with him! You are a model of constancy.

He thought I needed to see a shrink because I was "battling" with my emotions. 

So far, he's the one coming up with all the good ideas here.

Of course, the fact that those emotions were the ones telling me he was an all-round PRICK were the ones that he found most offensive.

OF COURSE that's offensive, from one's spouse. Why the hell should he put up with it? Get thee to a shrink, or get thee outta here, is a reasonable response.

What I don't get is why you hung around long enough to inflict that on him. Now you are trying to draw power out of humiliating him in front of others. That doesn't make you any more powerful. It says a lot about you, though.

But what really got to me was that this pathetic, illigitimate, illiterate, inferior little man had the unmitigated GALL to think that his old "MIND FUCK" tricks would still work on me! 

Well, why not? It's worked on you before. For 20 years. So it's not so much his gall that surprises me. It's your outrage. Sounds like you were waiting for a miraculous character change on his part. What on earth would have given you any idea that that was forthcoming? Are you that reality challenged?

That pissed me off. And then he started begging - hello yes BEGGING - for sex! PATHETIC!

Oh yes, sure, HE'S pathetic. And you, here, bragging that you still have what daddy wants? Boring, pathetic. Your whole ego revolves around this guy wanting in to your knickers.

There are now a few things that I have determined for myself.

Take your time.

I know what I want and I WILL NOT settle for anything less!

Anything less than what? You won't settle for anything less than him? That's hardly a step up.

I will not be rude, crude or inconsiderate because that is beneath my style!

You mean it is unladylike? You wrote to the wrong site. I have no idea why you are concerned about others right now, the one to worry about is YOU. Your "style" is to be walked on and to wear the victim label with pride. You need a style makeover.

I WILL NOT BE BULLIED by anyone!

You sound like you've done your fair share of bullying. These relationships usually are a fertile ground for bad behavior on both sides. Don't tell me it was only him who raised his voice, made recriminations, etc. If anything, you've made him out to be the sweetdick sugar daddy, and yourself to be the psycho conflicted bully who stays with him anyway for the...see above.

I will not regret too much, I prefer to think of the whole sorry saga as a "how not to" learning experience.

I think you should regret it, it was, according to you, a tremendous waste of time. Or revise history, and decide that you got whatever it was out of it that you were there for. But if you don't want that anymore, change your life. You should regret it. Regretting a mistake is going to mean you NEVER forget it and never repeat it. It really doesn't matter who conned you into it. Regret your own complicity. Then CHANGE it.

Although he is pitiful, I WILL NOT relent on any of my demands out of pity!

Why are you still demanding anything from him? What is he the source of, in your life, I don't understand this. Who are you, without him? If he is pitiful, and you are making demands (?) of a pitiful person, then double pitiful you. You need to get up, out, and onto your own two feet. You didn't do it when you were 19, so you better get around to doing it now. I think this is the real source of your pain.

I don't even know why we are talking about him. Next time sit down and write me a letter that is just about you. Until you can write your own story without him, this is hopeless.

I will treat him with the respect due to all humans (although he only just makes the grade)

Hello? Excuse me? Who cares? Why do you care? Really, why are we talking about treating all humans with respect? You need to become selfish in the best possible way. Your ego has latched onto this notion that you're a good person based on how you treat other people. But you are making all kinds of excuses for why you've let yourself slide. You are not doing humanity any favors, believe me.

AND I HAVE PRINTED, AND REPRINTED the pages on emotional abuse to give to all my girlfriends who may be in a similar situation!

Whew. Yes, I hear they travel in herds. Again, with the helping others...you are totally deflecting the message, right at the moment when you need the most focus.

Move into an apartment with one of these girlfriends. Get a lawyer, and forget about him. Make your life about you. You can not seem to break out of the cycle. All the letters to HBI in the world are not going to make this happen. We don't really care about your past. Create your future. Become someone who has something else to say, other than, "I was conned and suckered and have surrounded myself with idiots for most of my life."

The must arm themselves with knowledge against the manipulators and abusers, be they male or female, and stand up for themselves.

Physician, heal thyself.

Resist manipulators/abusers! IT'S ONLY HARD THE FIRST TIME! After that, being a heartless bitch comes easy.

*sucking teeth* Being a Heartless Bitch is never easy. What made you think choosing the path of self-determination was going to be the easy one? This is going to be painful for you. It isn't all spewing poisoned pen notes about your victimized past, sure THAT is easy. What's hard is building a life, and changing yourself. Not him. You. Have. To. Change.

Life begins at fourty - lookout world! Here I come!

The world isn't exactly fastening it's seatbelt, child. Page me when you are 30 minutes out.

There is nothing about you in this letter, at least not what you thought you were telling me about yourself. I see a lot of negatives and a lot of blaming others. I'm really puzzled at what you thought I would say. Were you expecting a pat on the back? HBI isn't a former victims club. You seem like a dependent person who took the easy way out your whole life, and who is angry about it now. I can't fix that for you. Neither can he. Neither can daddy. Nobody can fix it but yourself. I recommend you quit spreading the gospel and get to it.

-A.D.



Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2000
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