Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

April 29, 2001

Dear Fuckin' Bon...

Yeh im not a fan of the site, and i not someone who slaps their opinions all over these rant\chat pages. im just a guy who found the site while looking for lyrics to the

Hi Elliot. Two things right from the start. Work on your punctuation first, and don't be offended that I had to trim parts of your letter because it was just too bloody long.

First ill fill you all in. Im 16, male and live in perth western australia. My favourite sport is rowing, and only another professional rower will know what im talking about when i say its the best thing ive ever done, but it has taken five years of hard training to get to the level of enjoyment that im at today, nonetheless this sport builds comraderie, friendships that last, and keeps you fit and healthy [obviuosly im pasionate about it].

...and get a spellchecker. I'm glad you have other interests and ones that will serve you in many ways. You sound like a pretty together kid.

im not going to profess that i know alot about relationships, nor will i say that im a good person or 'nice guy', but i probably need to talk to someone about whats going on in my life right now. I just read the article "Why Nice Guys Are LOSERS" and am bloody worried, as half of the properties of one of these clingy, insecure "nice Guys" are attributes that i give myself, so im probably a insecure, clingy, desperate to please etc etc person. I hope not.

Insightful as well, that's good. I suggest that you get some older and more mature friends, you don't really sound as though you need counseling. As for your being a pretty stereotypical "nice guy," you're only 16. My feeling is that being a "nice guy" -- a little insecure, a little bit clingy or needy-- at the age of 16 is not only pretty normal, it's a notch up from the usual hormonal asshole storms. Just keep working on YOURSELF, your rowing, your schooling, etc. and you'll naturally mature out of insecurity. Sixteen-year- olds are supposed to be insecure; it's the only thing that keeps some of them from breeding like rabbits.

Back to my story. six months ago my girlfriend of one and a half years [which is a bloody long time for how old i am] ran off with my best friend [i know that it is a huge cliche, but its true] and i found them having sex in his bed

..*big trim*...

and me and my girlfriend break up [obviously].

...*another enormous trim*...

that was last month. Now im best friends with kate and jack, and i dont know what to do.

I still love Kate

You have my sympathy, but you don't actually have choices unless you decide to terminate one or both friendships. Again, you sound like a pretty together and mature 16 year old. It's impressive that you chose to rebuild the frienship(s) and you all seem to be maturing and treating one another with more respect. That's all good. As for your feelings about Kate, it sucks, it really does, but all you can do is move on and take time to get over it. From the sound of it, you're going to be just fine, though when you're 16 it doesn't always feel that way.

wether thats a good thing or a bad thing, i dont know she told me yesterday that she loves me, but she isnt in love with me. i dont know the difference. i tried to say i wont see either of them again, and then they can go off and be a couple, but they will have none of it, so im stuck with them.

Well, now, that's a crock of shit. You don't HAVE to be friends with them if it's too painful. Hang out with some of your rowing buddies, call the chick you went to the dance with. Don't introduce any new girls to Jack. *wink* ...*trim*...

i really dont want to be around them when they are being a couple, but when they are seperate, i cant get enough of them [best friends and all] hmmmm what a sad case story what do you think?

I think it sounds like a very hard situation for you, and you have to make a choice. It sounds as though you are an ingredient in THEIR relationship too (I'm assuming they're teenagers as well). They may be more or less playing each other off of you, it's not an uncommon thing. My suggestion is to pull back and only see them one-on-one, and not when they're together. Most of all, keep being self-aware, and don't worry about being a nice-guy/loser unless you're still insecure and clingy at 18 or 21 or 36. (And work on grammar, spelling and punctuation), and row and be young and always take responsibility for yourself. I think you're going to be just fine.
Good luck!
bon