Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

July 29, 2001

Dear Fuckin' Bon;

I don't know whether it's the fact that I'm creeping ever-closer to thirty or the fact that even the most starry-eyed 'optimist' (read: dullard) can have a learning curve when it comes to certain things.

Oh, I admit to it all. Being in shitty relationship after shitty relationship with substandard men. Indulging in gigantic amounts of self-pity. Thinking that my only worth lay in the fact that I *was* a good lay. Playing dumb so as to not intimidate stupid men, up to the point where my brains actually atrophied inside my skull. Things like that.

I could spend paragraphs detailing *why* I was like that, but I'll spare you. Besides, it's not all that important. What's important is what comes next...

How does one self-proclaimed ex-bimbo, ex-drama-queen, ex-wimp start out her new life as a happily single, unabashedly smart, take-no-shit kind of woman when everyone around her remembers her as the dullard she once was? Do I go and get new friends who don't know of my sordid past?

I've tried asserting myself and my new way of being, but people only remember me for what I used to be, and even though it shouldn't matter, it stings when people won't give me a chance to redeem myself. It would be easy to slip back into the old way of being, since that's what everyone expects, but it's not something I want to do.

Imagine if, say, Brittany Spears went on walkabout in the desert or had some sort of spiritual epiphany and decided when she came back that she wanted to do Throbbing Gristle-like industrial music. People wouldn't take her seriously. Her ex-fans would hate her. People into industrial would giggle their asses off. You know what I mean?

Any advice? Thanks in advance.

-Spittany Brears

One thought, one decision, one conversation at a time. It's not going to be easy. Obviously you should change whatever you feel would make it too easy to "slip." I wish the best for you -- this sounds determined -- but I get a feeling that you've just had a wakeup call of the breakup kind, and I wonder if your resolve has slipped by the time your letter goes up.

What has changed, and how did you have a transformation that is so independent of your surroundings, and if it was elsewhere, is there a reason you are "stuck" where you are and surrounded by the same people? Why should you have to prove to "friends" that you're not a bimbo/drama-queen/wimp? This sounds as though it's really slanted toward your relationships with lovers rather than friends, whose skepticism shouldn't have any effect on whether you're a bimbo? It's just not quite adding up.

If your transformation (or resolve) is strong, yes, making new friends would be very helpful. If you're just trying out a new tactic or mask, sooner or later you'll find that under the new paint you have the same old problems.

Growth usually is not a spectacular instant change, but one slow difficult step (conversation or decision) after another. Whether or not your just-add-hot-water instant improvement holds, I hope that you'll learn from your past and grow stronger with each new choice.

Good luck,
bon