Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

May 13, 2001

What NOT to write to dfb about...

Before you ask me "what should I do," ask yourself if you should have some kind of idea already.

Dear Fuckin Bon:
"I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and he continues to harass me everyday. I'm tiered of it. In my opinion, He should curl up and die, but then again, if I had a penis, I'd think with it too. How do I get him off my back? "

Really, where does one even start with this information? You were conscious enough to break up with him, but you can't figure out how to either back him off or how to get some kind of authority involved? Are you unwilling or afraid to get a restraining order? Are you giving him mixed messages (no, darling, really, I just don't want to be with you, bring me a pizza on the way back from the student lounge, would you? I'm not going to be your girlfriend, but if Freddy won't go to the spring dance, do you have another date yet)? And if you had a penis you'd think with it too? Perhaps that's self-revelation, but it's unrelated and inappropriate to this topic unless you're trying to demonstrate your own duplicitous dealings. You're tiered, all right; tiered like a wedding cake made of almond paste layered with hamburger helper.

And then we have the delightful loser files, courtesy of James Dean-- no, that would be "Brine."

Dear Fuckin Bon:
"Since I am a total loser the only woman I could ever date would also be a loser. Also since being a loser is in my genes, this will never change. Given that natural selection is natures way of improving the species, it would be logical to employ natural selection on myself and bump myself off. Along with that, if you add the arguments of the voluntary human extinction movement, the case for be bumping myself off becomes even stronger. What is your opinion of this philosophy?"

I'm bored, really, Brine. What do you expect writing to Dear Fuckin' Bon on the Heartless Bitches International site? Are you trying to be clever? Think it's funny? Genuinely feel this bad about yourself? "Since being a loser is in [your] genes, this will never change." Hey, baby, shoot for the stars. Get a job, get a life, do something. I not only don't buy this ridiculous self-pitying bull, I don't care.

So the lesson, boys and girls, is if you re-read your submission and it sounds too petty or immature or stupid for human consumption, don't send it. Please. bon