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But I'M NOT BITTER...
The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you
by

July 17, 2003

Since my acquisition of Ivan the Terrible, the Beloved has insisted that Ivan is possessed by the spirit of his namesake and only the absence of opposable thumbs explains the dearth of impaled corpses littering the apartment.

 

"You have to show him whoís boss", said the Beloved. "The frigging fleabag is a menace."

 

The problem is that Ivan knows very well whoís running things around here.He is.I dismissed the Belovedís grim opinions as typical male jealousy until recent events caused me to rethink my position.

 

In the past, Iíve called in sick on various occasions - obviously, when Iíve been ill but also when circumstances have otherwise made it impossible for me to attend and assume my duties as assigned.

 

Recently however (I am embarrassed to report), I made the following call to my supervisor:

 

Me:"Uh, I likely canít make it in today.Thereís a spare prosecutor, right? Somebody can take my court?"

 

Supervisor: "Yeah.Whatís up?You sick?"

 

Me: "Umm...no..... Iíve been locked in.By the cat."

 

(Gales of laughter)

 

Supervisor: "WTF???"

 

Me: "Iíve got high security locks.I need the key to get in AND out.The catís made off with the keys.Iíll keep looking but Iíve been at it for a while now and thereís no sign of them."

 

Supervisor: (no doubt giving me 10/10 for originality): "Uh, OK.Let me know."

 

Iíve previously chronicled Ivanís penchant for thievery - the Beloved insists itís "feline malevolence".

 

To make a long story short, the little bastard hid my house keys and even after thoroughly turning the house upside down, I could not discover them.

 

I ransacked the place - I checked the laundry, under the beds, the litter box, the couch - you name it.This process was enlivened by my frequent threats of graphic physical violence, the impact of which was somewhat mitigated by the fact that the recipient insisted on licking his arse and gazing at me with supreme indifference while I promised to rend him limb from limb.

 

Three hours later, after having resigned myself to a fate that included me having to eventually consume him for sustenance, I wandered into the kitchen for a glass of water.††

 

As I rounded the corner from the dining room, I heard a telltale jingling.I found Ivan sprawled on the floor with one paw under the fridge, apparently intent on shoving my keys even further under that appliance.With a guilty glance, he sprang up and fled.Not to be denied my revenge, I raced after him, snagged him and introduced him to the delights of my Waterpik showerhead until massive blood loss (mine) and concert-volume howls (his) forced me to desist.Drenched and thoroughly pissed off (both of us), we spent the remainder of the evening ignoring each other.

 

At 3 a.m. he crept up as I slept, bit my nose really hard and when I opened my mouth to scream, he began to purr furiously and licked my teeth (every bit as gross as it sounds). A truce was declared.

 

Not that I doubt his devotion to me - he really is a nice cat --but Iíve learned to keep my house keys in my coat pocket just the same.

 

Till next time.

 

Morrigan



Copyright© the Morrigan & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2003
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