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What's Wrong with Nice Guys?

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Lezzie Rant

by Bonnie

Intolerance and hate are two things that set me off every time, and people who are intolerant always have awe-inspiringly lame reasons for their attitudes. As a dyke I've had some personal experience with questions from people who are unaccustomed to utilizing any of their brain cells.

"What are you, a lezzie?" (Yeah, but don't worry, your girlfriend is too stupid for me)

"Don't you know what you do is wrong and, like, God says it's a sin". (Hey, dinkweed, guess what? It would be **perverted** for me to be fucking a man, so I don't do it…mind your own perversions. Incidentally, neither god nor Jesus (J was a party animal, by the way >g<) ever said homosexuality was wrong. Paul, who had some very bitchy tendencies his own little self, said he thought it was "unnatural"…but Paul also bitched that oppressors should be mutilated, which seems more and more reasonable the longer I listen to you. Don't dick with me with your bible, toadsuck, i can outquote you any day)

"I don't think yous people should be in the military, we hafta shower widchoo." (well, sexually you'd be utterly safe in a shower with any number of queers, but you sound like a turkey, so I'd have to watch to make sure you didn't drown yourself… or maybe I'd just watch. You do win some points for calling us "people"; by the way, what are you?)

And of course, my all time favorite, "What is it that lesbians do to each other?"... Now, I must say, quite a number of my straight friends or reasonable aquaintances want to ask that question, generally because they simply haven't thought about it. However any woman in touch with her own sexuality knows what feels good... (long pause)... hello? So, ok, we don't have dicks. This is why god in her goodness made so many other things, which, by the way, don't deflate after use… the digits on one's hand come immediately to mind, but that's just the beginning. There are so many lovely textures and sizes, and even my straight friends admit most phallic things that aren't actual phalli are a LOT prettier. I mean, hell, I don't like men, but if you do, I would think you'd want them to use those big strong hands for something besides a quick squeeze here and grab there. And if you're with such a loser that he doesn't ever consider anything besides shoving the amazing **it** at you, then I can see why you need to be asking what other people of **any* orientation are doing. It's OK! Sex CAN be fun, and you should find a nice man who likes it and is good at it. I hear they're out there. And then maybe you just don't like sex as much as I do. Which is cool, there are other things in life... what are they, again?

Since we're bitching about sex today, I'd like to put in my two cents about extremely butchy dykes; the ones who are phobic and break out in a rash if anything flowered gets to close to their skin. Right up front, I've got to say that I love the way they look. They're hot and fine and strong and gorgeous (except of course the ones who aren't - ha). There is something though that really pisses me off about being absolute about it. And I say that because I love women. I'm not a political dyke in this respect, I'm a sexual dyke, who is sexually attracted to woman. So when a woman tries to hide all indication that she may be a woman, I get reeeeal nervous about what she's saying, about herself, about me, about what she thinks is ok. And then I get pissed, because they more than anyone else are perpetuating the "need a male-figure in a relationship" myth. Get a grip, girls, and show some curves. WOMEN WHO LOVE WOMEN LOVE WOMEN! What part of **woman** are you fuzzy on, anyway? Some of these chicks may as well stuff a sock in their hanes-for-her. And when we have "butches" and "femmes" who are so invested in having a "male" role in their relationship, it tips me right over the edge into ripshit. What the hell?!? We don't need to prove that we can be testosterone stupid -- "mah woman!" Big immobile dyke sitting there stoneface while a bimbo in Laura Ashley ruffles twitters and flutters around her. Anyone of any orientation who needs to twitter and flutter and cling and drape needs a sharp cuff upside the head. Problem is, they'd probably love it.


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